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  • #46
    Originally posted by Mommytoa3rdgradeboy View Post
    My Mom would call the police if she hadn't heard from me in 24 hours, let alone a whole week. I usually talk to her about 4 times a day...

    Thank you for sharing. i do appreciate your thoughts.


    It is so awesome how the Lord works!! I was going to start a thread asking the very same question: how do you "honor your parents" when they are abusive or controlling. It seems that we are all in the same camp here.

    Oh, sweetie, your mom has you on a chain; I am so aware of how that is. The website Sydney mentioned helped me to realize that my mother will NEVER approve of me or love me. She is "motherly" only when I am far away, like on the other coast, but is horrible to me when I have contact. The story you shared of living on their property could have been written by me. My DH and I are at their mercy right now, and they have NO mercy.

    Once the Lord helped me to see what my mother's problem is and how it affects me, I was finally able to put it at the foot of the Cross. As a result, she treats me even worse now because I will not "bow down" and I refuse to allow her to yell or belittle me; I also no longer go down to their house even though I can see it from my window. I refuse to allow her the "keys" to control me. This has led me to be able to love her and still utterly hate her actions.

    CatChick covered it very well; if you ever need to talk, or to have support when things get rocky with them, please PM me
    .

    Comment


    • #47
      Hi Mommy..., I didn't read all responses, so forgive me if what I'm about to say is a repeat of someone else's post. I grew up with abusive parents. Mental abuse was something they exceled at, not only to me, but to each other and to a lesser extent, my older siblings. Truly, these were people incapable of expressing love and I doubt very much they ever felt love.

      I was the youngest child of 6, my parents were 41 and 42 when I was born. I had a very difficult childhood because I was never allowed to play with other kids, so they all thought I was weird and teased me constantly. I had no relief from the pain. I look back on it now and I realize that in it's way, this drove me out of the rcc and into the arms of Jesus.

      I'm an adult now, my parents are gone. They never knew how to be anything to me but critical and/or unloving. I obviously was never able to please them. After my mother met my wonderful husband, my boyfriend at the time, she told me he was funny looking. I learned to live my life pleasing to Jesus and to my oh so handsome and wonderful husband. It is very important to know this message: THE BEST WAY TO HONOR YOUR PARENTS IS TO HONOR THE LORD!!! When He is satisfied with your conduct, your parents have nothing to hold over you. Bad behavior dishonors ones parents for it is a reflection on how they raised their children. If your behavior, your love for others, your care for your husband and children, is what God expects out of you, then your parents are in the wrong, not you.

      When I learned this valuable lesson, my parents opinions really became unimportant to me. I did have to withdraw from them, I seldom saw my father and could only stand to be with my mother once or twice a week. I didn't want it that way, they forced the issue and I had no choice. I'm not abdicating that you totally abandon your parents, but you may have to hold them far enough away from you to keep your sanity.

      Colassians 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged

      Parents have a duty to the Lord to care for their children and not take out their anger on them. Life is not a one way street, it is give and take. If a parent is giving nothing but aggravation, they are out of God's will. If there is no pleasing a parent, stop trying. You will receive far more satisfaction pleasing the Lord than you will by trying to please people who cannot be pleased. As long as they know you are seeking their approval, they have power over you.

      Realize you are an adult with a family to care for. You belong to the Lord first and your husband and child/children second. Parents as much as they may dislike it, come after that. Remember you are to leave and cleave. When you understand this and especially when your parents begin to understand this, they may start to offer you a certain amount of respect. Even if they don't, they are not your primary concern.

      Love them as best you can, calling on the Lord for strength. Care for them when you are able. Pray for them daily. Keep the lessons of the Bible in mind and you will find your life less stressful. Set boundaries and who knows, they may just come around and turn into the parents they should be.




      My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.
      For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone; the flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land; the fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.


      Baruch haba b'Shem Yahweh!!

      sigpic

      Comment


      • #48
        Originally posted by Verisimilitude View Post
        Hi Mommy..., I didn't read all responses, so forgive me if what I'm about to say is a repeat of someone else's post. I grew up with abusive parents. Mental abuse was something they exceled at, not only to me, but to each other and to a lesser extent, my older siblings. Truly, these were people incapable of expressing love and I doubt very much they ever felt love.

        I was the youngest child of 6, my parents were 41 and 42 when I was born. I had a very difficult childhood because I was never allowed to play with other kids, so they all thought I was weird and teased me constantly. I had no relief from the pain. I look back on it now and I realize that in it's way, this drove me out of the rcc and into the arms of Jesus.

        I'm an adult now, my parents are gone. They never knew how to be anything to me but critical and/or unloving. I obviously was never able to please them. After my mother met my wonderful husband, my boyfriend at the time, she told me he was funny looking. I learned to live my life pleasing to Jesus and to my oh so handsome and wonderful husband. It is very important to know this message: THE BEST WAY TO HONOR YOUR PARENTS IS TO HONOR THE LORD!!! When He is satisfied with your conduct, your parents have nothing to hold over you. Bad behavior dishonors ones parents for it is a reflection on how they raised their children. If your behavior, your love for others, your care for your husband and children, is what God expects out of you, then your parents are in the wrong, not you.

        When I learned this valuable lesson, my parents opinions really became unimportant to me. I did have to withdraw from them, I seldom saw my father and could only stand to be with my mother once or twice a week. I didn't want it that way, they forced the issue and I had no choice. I'm not abdicating that you totally abandon your parents, but you may have to hold them far enough away from you to keep your sanity.

        Colassians 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged

        Parents have a duty to the Lord to care for their children and not take out their anger on them. Life is not a one way street, it is give and take. If a parent is giving nothing but aggravation, they are out of God's will. If there is no pleasing a parent, stop trying. You will receive far more satisfaction pleasing the Lord than you will by trying to please people who cannot be pleased. As long as they know you are seeking their approval, they have power over you.

        Realize you are an adult with a family to care for. You belong to the Lord first and your husband and child/children second. Parents as much as they may dislike it, come after that. Remember you are to leave and cleave. When you understand this and especially when your parents begin to understand this, they may start to offer you a certain amount of respect. Even if they don't, they are not your primary concern.

        Love them as best you can, calling on the Lord for strength. Care for them when you are able. Pray for them daily. Keep the lessons of the Bible in mind and you will find your life less stressful. Set boundaries and who knows, they may just come around and turn into the parents they should be.


        Beautifully written; this has touched my heart too. Thank you so very much for this post; Mommy, I know that a lot of us have issues with our parents, some worse than others. I thank you for starting this thread, and I thank those who responded with such sound, Godly advice and comfort. IMO, many, many hurting adult children here on RR will reap benefit from this. May God Bless, and Mommy, you are in my prayers.

        Comment


        • #49
          I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. I have a very controlling, manipulative mother and I started counseling a year or so ago. It has helped me greatly. Have the Boundaries book, but will be honest...I needed the one on one, face to face counseling sessions. I grew tired of living with unwarranted guilt, belittling my choices in life, and just hateful, ugly comments. Let me tell you, my counselor and the Lord have helped me establish Godly boundaries and things are much better. Mom isn't, but I am. She will never change, but I have and it is for the best. Blessings and may you find peace in your relationship with your parents.

          Comment


          • #50
            Originally posted by Praying View Post
            One thing I do, is allow the answering machine to take the calls, and I do not return calls immediately.
            Yes, perfect. Give the Spirit time to direct our actions and words. Sometimes it's harder than others, but always before picking up the phone to return the call, be sure to put on the whole armor of God to become fire-dart proof and waterproof from the deluge, no matter the caller. It works the same way for adult unsaved children, too.

            Comment


            • #51
              Originally posted by Mommytoa3rdgradeboy View Post
              Tell me about it! He is so immature. If one person does one thing to upset him or do 'something to him', he pretty much just writes them off his list. He hasn't talked w/ his two sister since I was in middle school. I don't know the details as to what happened other than he feels that they were stealing money from their parents...

              I tell my Mom that my Dad really needs to loose the attitude and bitterness and either rededicate his lfe to Jesus, or become saved.

              Your situation with your Dad would be very upsetting. Thankfully, alcohol never was consumed by either of my parents, so that aspect was just not there. My Dad is a very unforgiving and he will hold a grudge forever...there is NO getting over anything w/ him. I have told him that he really needs to learn to forgive. Of course, his response is like that of non-Christians (& sadly, even some professed born again Christians)...he will say, "They don't deserve my forgiveness. You don't know what you're talking about."
              I have been praying my dad would be delivered from alcohol and found out this week he went to
              E.R. because he had blood.....um you know.
              Now he's not drinking and he has more follow up appointments to determine how much damage
              he has done to himself.
              The dogs are barking, someone is knocking on the door...

              Please pray for Lindsey's salvation

              Comment


              • #52
                [QUOTE=one4God;2236072]
                Originally posted by Sydney Spider View Post
                I came across this website one day which helped me to understand her problem more clearly....I wish I had read something like this while I was dealing with it. http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/[/Q]

                This website was a direct answer to prayer for me. My mother is a malignant narcissist, and I have always been the scapegoat child. (all of this explained on the website). The Lord led me to this site, and it has truly set me free; if you ever need to talk, please PM me. I, too, have walked many years in your shoes.
                I have been reading a lot on this site, It is definitely eye-opening and very imformative. I truely think my dad is bi-polar and a narccists. Many of those traits have rubbed off on my Mom, who in her respect, does NOT want to 'let me go'. I think they think I will abandon them or something.

                I just got an email that the book I had a hold on, 'Boundaries' (recommened by so many people on here) is ready for me to check out, so after work , I plan on picking it up. I can't wait to read it!
                sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                Comment


                • #53
                  Originally posted by one4God View Post
                  It is so awesome how the Lord works!! I was going to start a thread asking the very same question: how do you "honor your parents" when they are abusive or controlling. It seems that we are all in the same camp here.

                  Oh, sweetie, your mom has you on a chain; I am so aware of how that is. The website Sydney mentioned helped me to realize that my mother will NEVER approve of me or love me. She is "motherly" only when I am far away, like on the other coast, but is horrible to me when I have contact. The story you shared of living on their property could have been written by me. My DH and I are at their mercy right now, and they have NO mercy.

                  Once the Lord helped me to see what my mother's problem is and how it affects me, I was finally able to put it at the foot of the Cross. As a result, she treats me even worse now because I will not "bow down" and I refuse to allow her to yell or belittle me; I also no longer go down to their house even though I can see it from my window. I refuse to allow her the "keys" to control me. This has led me to be able to love her and still utterly hate her actions.

                  CatChick covered it very well; if you ever need to talk, or to have support when things get rocky with them, please PM me[/COLOR].
                  Strange that you mention the chain...Now, let me preface this by saying, she wouldn't do this, BUT, I actually told my Mom a year+ ago that if she could keep me chained up on a three foot leash in the basement so 'no one else could have me', nothing would make her happier. She said, "Well, I would give a four foot chain."
                  sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                  BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Originally posted by Verisimilitude View Post
                    Hi Mommy..., I didn't read all responses, so forgive me if what I'm about to say is a repeat of someone else's post. I grew up with abusive parents. Mental abuse was something they exceled at, not only to me, but to each other and to a lesser extent, my older siblings. Truly, these were people incapable of expressing love and I doubt very much they ever felt love.

                    I was the youngest child of 6, my parents were 41 and 42 when I was born. I had a very difficult childhood because I was never allowed to play with other kids, so they all thought I was weird and teased me constantly. I had no relief from the pain. I look back on it now and I realize that in it's way, this drove me out of the rcc and into the arms of Jesus.

                    I'm an adult now, my parents are gone. They never knew how to be anything to me but critical and/or unloving. I obviously was never able to please them. After my mother met my wonderful husband, my boyfriend at the time, she told me he was funny looking. I learned to live my life pleasing to Jesus and to my oh so handsome and wonderful husband. It is very important to know this message: THE BEST WAY TO HONOR YOUR PARENTS IS TO HONOR THE LORD!!! When He is satisfied with your conduct, your parents have nothing to hold over you. Bad behavior dishonors ones parents for it is a reflection on how they raised their children. If your behavior, your love for others, your care for your husband and children, is what God expects out of you, then your parents are in the wrong, not you.

                    When I learned this valuable lesson, my parents opinions really became unimportant to me. I did have to withdraw from them, I seldom saw my father and could only stand to be with my mother once or twice a week. I didn't want it that way, they forced the issue and I had no choice. I'm not abdicating that you totally abandon your parents, but you may have to hold them far enough away from you to keep your sanity.

                    Colassians 3:21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged

                    Parents have a duty to the Lord to care for their children and not take out their anger on them. Life is not a one way street, it is give and take. If a parent is giving nothing but aggravation, they are out of God's will. If there is no pleasing a parent, stop trying. You will receive far more satisfaction pleasing the Lord than you will by trying to please people who cannot be pleased. As long as they know you are seeking their approval, they have power over you.

                    Realize you are an adult with a family to care for. You belong to the Lord first and your husband and child/children second. Parents as much as they may dislike it, come after that. Remember you are to leave and cleave. When you understand this and especially when your parents begin to understand this, they may start to offer you a certain amount of respect. Even if they don't, they are not your primary concern.

                    Love them as best you can, calling on the Lord for strength. Care for them when you are able. Pray for them daily. Keep the lessons of the Bible in mind and you will find your life less stressful. Set boundaries and who knows, they may just come around and turn into the parents they should be.
                    Thank you so much for sharing your story. My Mom met my husband (boyfriend at the time) and she told me that she didn't like how he wiggled his big toe around. When he did that it pops, and she doesn't like that!!! Isn't that crazy.

                    I am so sorry that your felt unloved. I have the opposite prolem w/ my parents. I feel 'too loved', like they are going to squeeze me to death! It is so hard to be their daughter. Nothing I do is ever right. My Mom gor upset because I cut my hair about 2 inches and because I had it cut to where it would agle around my face!!! Dad got mad because I put highlights in it! (once he noticed it) Why is it so bad that I just wanted something *different*, not bad???

                    When you said that when there is no pleasing a parent to stop trying, that really stuck out to me. That thought had not even crossed my mind. I am certain they know that I am seeking their approval. I have flat out told them.

                    My 1st marriage, I never really *left*, I was less than a football field away. Nor, that did NOT cause my divorce and it had no bearing on me getting divorced. He cheated w/ well over 100 people, and he did the same w/ his 2nd wife. I understand now why those particular words are so important.

                    My parents both will tell me that when they die, that I will regret not spending more time w/ them, and that I should be grateful and want to spend time w/ them. The problem is they want virtually every second of my time...I just cannot do that. Up until about 5 years ago, my Dad would still yell at me at the dinner table because I wasn't eating my meat or I didn't eat my meat first. I know this sounds crazy, but this is all true!!
                    sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                    BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Originally posted by one4God View Post


                      Beautifully written; this has touched my heart too. Thank you so very much for this post; Mommy, I know that a lot of us have issues with our parents, some worse than others. I thank you for starting this thread, and I thank those who responded with such sound, Godly advice and comfort. IMO, many, many hurting adult children here on RR will reap benefit from this. May God Bless, and Mommy, you are in my prayers.
                      I agree, that was beautifully written and it made total sense!

                      to you as well! I am thankful this thread has helped you as well.
                      sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                      BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Originally posted by IlovemyJesus View Post
                        I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. I have a very controlling, manipulative mother and I started counseling a year or so ago. It has helped me greatly. Have the Boundaries book, but will be honest...I needed the one on one, face to face counseling sessions. I grew tired of living with unwarranted guilt, belittling my choices in life, and just hateful, ugly comments. Let me tell you, my counselor and the Lord have helped me establish Godly boundaries and things are much better. Mom isn't, but I am. She will never change, but I have and it is for the best. Blessings and may you find peace in your relationship with your parents.
                        My Mom just thinks I am *hers* and she does not want to let me go. My Dad is very manipulative and controlling of both her and me. His Dad was like that w/ him. I am not sure if that is a learned behavior or if it is a hereditary thing, as I am very convinced that my Dad is bi-polar. I too, am tired of the hateful, hurtful comments. I will never be able to change my Dad...he IS my Dad & I don't want to disown me/abandon me (I don't even know if he is saved.) and I know that he does love me, it is just a possessive kind of love, if that even makes sense.
                        Last edited by Mommytoa3rdgradeboy; April 18th, 2012, 09:30 AM. Reason: wasn't finished
                        sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                        BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          Originally posted by EarsToHear View Post
                          Yes, perfect. Give the Spirit time to direct our actions and words. Sometimes it's harder than others, but always before picking up the phone to return the call, be sure to put on the whole armor of God to become fire-dart proof and waterproof from the deluge, no matter the caller. It works the same way for adult unsaved children, too.
                          Thanks for the encouragement.
                          sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                          BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            I am really needing prayer over these next few days. There is a good chance that my Dad will be 'stopping by' for a visit Friday night. I do not think I have ever been under this much stress in my entire life! I am scared to death he is going to stop by. He will have a cow when he walks in and see some man in the house.
                            sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                            BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              Thank you to everyone who suggested that I read "Boundaries" as it is very enlightening. I had NO idea that there were so many other adults who have dealt with the exact issues that I have with my parents. Some of the same phrases are even included throughout the book that have been told (yelled) to me. Amazing. I feel that to have complete healing (meaning no guilt, and I am not talking about no guilt for sinful things, just no guilt for doing things that one would consider 'normal') that I will need constant prayer, and I will eventually have to have face to face counseling or else, just deal with unnecessary guilt. Thanks again for all of the input and suggestions!
                              sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                              BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                Originally posted by Mommytoa3rdgradeboy View Post
                                I am really needing prayer over these next few days. There is a good chance that my Dad will be 'stopping by' for a visit Friday night. I do not think I have ever been under this much stress in my entire life! I am scared to death he is going to stop by. He will have a cow when he walks in and see some man in the house.
                                He needs to see the man in the house and the man needs to stand by his wife.
                                Turn a page, quit being afraid of your dad. That's not love, that's fear.
                                The dogs are barking, someone is knocking on the door...

                                Please pray for Lindsey's salvation

                                Comment

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