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  • #31
    Originally posted by futurehope View Post
    I don't feel like doing too much typing, so my advice is:

    CUT THE STRINGS IT'S TIME

    I had to do this in my own life years ago. Eventually, your parents will realize you are separate and that you will not answer to them. It's a necessity, or you will not be able to live your own life peaceably. It may take years for you and them to come around to forging a correct adult=adult interaction in place of a parent=child interaction which you currently have.

    You will have to be the initiator in this parental relationship change, because if you left it up to them, you would be answerable to them as their child for the rest of our life, and you would not be given the respect you deserve as a grown person. So, it's time to grow up, sever the cord, and live your life. Each of us has to do it at some time or another. It's time for you to ignore the guilt, drop the fear, and move on.

    They won't die because of it, though they might try to guilt you into thinking you're killing them. God gave you to them temporarily so they could raise you to adulthood. But then, at the appropriate time, they were supposed to let you leave the nest. They were ideally supposed to help you leave the nest because their role as the controllers and protector over you is now over. They can still guide you, but you are no longer answerable to them.

    They only have as much power and influence over you as you allow them to have. Time to turn over a new leaf. It's time for a change.
    I can tell this is definitely an issue that is close to your heart and it is something that you know all too much about personally. Thanks for all of your input. You hit the nail on the head. You are exactly right, if I don't initiate the change (which neither of my parents receive change well at all) nothing will ever change. My Dad has told me several times that I am 'killing my mother with what I am doing', meaning moved away. We go in every other weekend or every 3rd weekend to see my parents.
    sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


    BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

    Comment


    • #32
      Originally posted by ginseng View Post
      I have narcissistic parents. It almost destroyed me. The Lord healed my emotions. It's a miracle.

      Thanks for that link, Sydney. It's a good one.

      The thing that has helped me the most recently: I learned from the book, Why Is It Always About
      You?, to offer non-defensive responses to their criticisms & attempts to control.

      This is life-changing!

      So when my father says, "You've gained as much weight as I have". I just shrug and say, "I'm
      sorry you feel that way". (I've gone no contact now. No more abuse). He just wrote me a 10 page
      letter filled with fear-mongering, guilt trips, etc. I didn't respond.

      Also, it helped to finally accept that narcissistic parents do not care about anyone, including their
      children.

      So to the OP, not sure your folks are narcs, but try that non-defensive response. It's great!

      gin
      I am sorry you have dealt with the severe critisim, etc., over the years. It sure does take a toll on one. Thank you for your response.
      sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


      BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by Cindy S. View Post
        My daughter is an only child too and I was critical of many things she did only because I wanted
        the BEST for her.
        Maybe that's why she got into drugs? I don't know.
        Anyway, it took the crisis of dangerous drugs to get me to cry out to God and I have put her
        100% in his hands. He took me to the point of absolute helplessness to give up trying to control
        her.
        I am blessed that she lives in the same town as me and hope she never moves away but she
        belongs to the Lord, not to me.
        You have to stop seeing yourself as your parent's "child" and instead as the adult that you are.
        I understand what you are saying completely. My Mom (& my Dad) do only want what is best for me...as long as it is in alignment with what they want. I know that there are many 'only' children out there, but it is as if I am an only child times a million. It is so hard to be parents' daughter. They just love me too much.

        I am so sorry to hear that your daughter has been involved with drugs. That must be heartbreaking.
        sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


        BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

        Comment


        • #34
          Originally posted by Praying View Post
          Bless your heart. I've been where you're at, and even still, I have to remind some of my family where their life ends and mine begins. There are some members in my family who do not know the difference. These are the same ones who have difficulty setting boundaries in their own lives, and allow others and circumstances to control them, though they don't realize it. Boundaries is a good book. It has been a great help to me.
          I speak the word of God to them in love. Mind you, it doesn't go over very well at first, but if they are truly seeking to do the will of God, eventually, things do improve.

          One thing I do, is allow the answering machine to take the calls, and I do not return calls immediately. I do it at a time that is convenient. I have learned that most emergencies are not something I can do anything about but pray, and then I let it go. Yes, I caught some flack about it at first. Everyone was so used to me being available and dropping everything at a moments' notice. I don't do that anymore. My life is much more peaceful.

          Stay in prayer and the study of God's word, and put on the full armour of God when dealing with them. You'll be amazed how He intervenes in this situation!

          Note: Once He does begin intervening, resist the temptation to "take it back" or "pursue it back". Enjoy the peaceful times, knowing He is working in your life.
          I am so glad you mentioned the phone thing! If my Dad calls me (say I am at work) and I don't answer (I keep my ringer on silent while I am at work.) if I don't call him back within a specified amount of time, by his standard, whatever that is of the day, then he will not answer the phone when I call him back. I will say I called you back. He will then say that he knows, but he didn't answer. I will be like, why didn't you answer and he will say it is because I don't have time for him!

          I really wish my parent would seek God's will. I am not even sure if my dad is saved or not, though he will gripe at me if *I* don't go to church one Sunday morning. My Mom is a Christian, but when it comes to me, I think she puts me first sometimes, if not all the time.
          sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


          BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

          Comment


          • #35
            Originally posted by meshee View Post
            3 very important points to fully grasp!

            My sister and I used to think we were the only ones dealing with such parents. It was liberating to finally find out that we were not alone. Both my sister and I were estranged from our parents for the better part of 16 years. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of times we would receive "out of the blue" letters telling us how horrible we were as children, pointing out our mistakes as adults, and filled with fear-mongering and guilt trips as ginseng stated. These letters would bring us to tears and in a sense would only intensify our feelings of low worth. Thank God we both have wonderful supportive husbands. My sister and I were always willing to try and repair what had been broken, and sometimes things would be good, although, I might add, my parents would never allow us to be in a relationship status together with them. (For instance, 1998 was a good year for my sister, while 2000 was a good year for me). I might also add that my sister and I have a wonderful relationship and have never allowed our Mom to come between that.

            My Father passed away in 2009 of lung cancer, 8 weeks after he was diagnosed, and it was during this time that my sister and I rallied together to be supportive to our Mother. We chose to do this, she never asked, and we have showered her with as much love as possible. To make this story short, just to point out, she hasn't changed. She never will. But I have grown to accept and respect her as she is, and made clear our boundaries. There have been a few obstacles, but the relationship is slowly moving forward.

            The only advice I know is this: To know and understand who you are in Christ. Stay constant in prayer (for them and for you) and reading the Word. Set reasonable boundaries, and above all, don't allow anyone (even Mom and Dad) to make you feel any less about who you are or the choices you have made!



            meshee
            That must have been so hard to read those letters! I can't imagine. I try so hard ( & some days I am better at it than others) to just keep my focus on putting God 1st, then other things will (hopefully) fall into place, but then my Mom or Dad will have some remark about me not doing something their way, and immediately those guilt feelings come rushing back. Thanks for responding to my request for advice. I need all of the advice I can get!
            sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


            BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

            Comment


            • #36
              It will get better if you work at it.
              I had a hard road as a single mom until my daughter turned 9, went through bankruptcy too.
              I'm on my 2nd marriage and my DH has 4 kids. We paid support for years and years.
              It will be 20 years of marriage this year.
              It wasn't easy and not anything my parents would have chosen for me.
              Now I'm 53, my DH is wonderful at managing money and is paying our house off 11 years early.
              And after years of me going alone....................HE COMES TO CHURCH WITH ME EVERY SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!! I even catch him singing. It's a miracle. Truly.
              The dogs are barking, someone is knocking on the door...

              Please pray for Lindsey's salvation

              Comment


              • #37
                Originally posted by Mommytoa3rdgradeboy View Post
                I am so glad you mentioned the phone thing! If my Dad calls me (say I am at work) and I don't answer (I keep my ringer on silent while I am at work.) if I don't call him back within a specified amount of time, by his standard, whatever that is of the day, then he will not answer the phone when I call him back. I will say I called you back. He will then say that he knows, but he didn't answer. I will be like, why didn't you answer and he will say it is because I don't have time for him!

                I really wish my parent would seek God's will. I am not even sure if my dad is saved or not, though he will gripe at me if *I* don't go to church one Sunday morning. My Mom is a Christian, but when it comes to me, I think she puts me first sometimes, if not all the time.
                Your dad sounds like he needs to grow up.
                You can tell saved people by their fruit.
                My parents put us through Christian Schools, church twice every Sunday and Catechism on Mondays.
                Now that my mom is gone, my dad drinks himself to pass out every night, still goes to church most
                Sundays but that lack of forgiveness he has worries me. I have told him and I do pray for him.
                The dogs are barking, someone is knocking on the door...

                Please pray for Lindsey's salvation

                Comment


                • #38
                  Mommytoathirdgradeboy, I think the fact that you do not feel you can tell your parents you are married speaks volumes. Yes, counseling takes time and money, but your life is never going to get on track if you do not start to work through these issues with someone qualified to help you. Check with your insurance to see if there is a therapist covered under it. If not, check to see if there is a Christian therapist in your area that has a sliding fee scale.

                  You have a lot to work through, but the biggest issue that will impact your marriage and tear it apart is your issues with your Dad. If you can't tell them you are married to your husband out of fear of their reaction, that is a huge red flag for your marriage.

                  The book Boundaries will help, but reading it and then meeting with a therapist will go a lot further for helping you deal with it all.
                  "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment." (Matthew 22:37-38)

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Mommytoa3rdgradeboy View Post
                    And hateful! He won't forgive people that are in the grave.
                    He brings up the past over and over and over.....


                    The part I bolded (I think it is in bold.) is exactly like my Dad. He is very hateful. Of course, to the neighbors and outside world, he is very much Mr. Nice Guy, very agreeable to anything said. The second they leave, or however the conversation ends, if my dad is in a bad mood, then he will immediately put on the silent treatment to my Mom and/or me, for NO REASON 99.9% of the time. It is just so frustrating. Growing up, if I did something one way one day, it would be ok, but the very next day if I didthat same day, he would yell at me over it. I would be like, well, it was ok yeaterday, why isn't it today. His answer was (still is to a degree) I don't need a (fill in the age) questioning me, backtalking me, or telling me what is right/wrong or what to do.
                    I can so relate to this!

                    When a parent keeps you off-balance, it's probably due to THEIR insecurites and fear of abandonment.

                    They really have a different reality and do not see their children as individuals, but extensions of themselves.

                    I feel like I have a Masters degree in narcissism .

                    My Father has probably dis-owned me. But Scripture says if my mother and father forsake me, God will provide.

                    I am so proud of everyone on this thread for standing for the Truth, in the face of severe abuse.
                    We are not alone!

                    gin
                    Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy flight!

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by Cindy S. View Post
                      I think you can still buy Boundaries.
                      Can't remember where I got mine, maybe it was the Christian Bookstore?
                      You may want to own a copy as you will refer to it often until you are
                      healed from the emotional manipulative abuse.
                      It does sound like a book that I very may well end up buying. There is just something about seeing things in print v. hearing, etc., that seem to stick w/ me better.
                      sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                      BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by Cindy S. View Post
                        It will get better if you work at it.
                        I had a hard road as a single mom until my daughter turned 9, went through bankruptcy too.
                        I'm on my 2nd marriage and my DH has 4 kids. We paid support for years and years.
                        It will be 20 years of marriage this year.
                        It wasn't easy and not anything my parents would have chosen for me.
                        Now I'm 53, my DH is wonderful at managing money and is paying our house off 11 years early.
                        And after years of me going alone....................HE COMES TO CHURCH WITH ME EVERY SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!! I even catch him singing. It's a miracle. Truly.
                        That is wonderful!
                        sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                        BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Originally posted by Cindy S. View Post
                          Your dad sounds like he needs to grow up.
                          You can tell saved people by their fruit.
                          My parents put us through Christian Schools, church twice every Sunday and Catechism on Mondays.
                          Now that my mom is gone, my dad drinks himself to pass out every night, still goes to church most
                          Sundays but that lack of forgiveness he has worries me. I have told him and I do pray for him.
                          Tell me about it! He is so immature. If one person does one thing to upset him or do 'something to him', he pretty much just writes them off his list. He hasn't talked w/ his two sister since I was in middle school. I don't know the details as to what happened other than he feels that they were stealing money from their parents...

                          I tell my Mom that my Dad really needs to loose the attitude and bitterness and either rededicate his lfe to Jesus, or become saved.

                          Your situation with your Dad would be very upsetting. Thankfully, alcohol never was consumed by either of my parents, so that aspect was just not there. My Dad is a very unforgiving and he will hold a grudge forever...there is NO getting over anything w/ him. I have told him that he really needs to learn to forgive. Of course, his response is like that of non-Christians (& sadly, even some professed born again Christians)...he will say, "They don't deserve my forgiveness. You don't know what you're talking about."
                          sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                          BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Originally posted by Robinbobbin View Post
                            Mommytoathirdgradeboy, I think the fact that you do not feel you can tell your parents you are married speaks volumes. Yes, counseling takes time and money, but your life is never going to get on track if you do not start to work through these issues with someone qualified to help you. Check with your insurance to see if there is a therapist covered under it. If not, check to see if there is a Christian therapist in your area that has a sliding fee scale.

                            You have a lot to work through, but the biggest issue that will impact your marriage and tear it apart is your issues with your Dad. If you can't tell them you are married to your husband out of fear of their reaction, that is a huge red flag for your marriage.

                            The book Boundaries will help, but reading it and then meeting with a therapist will go a lot further for helping you deal with it all.
                            I know it sounds odd/strange, BUT I really had no idea that I have been in such a controlling relationship (until the last 5 years or so) w/ my parents...my Dad is more the controller, and my Mom doesn't want to let me go.

                            I explained earlier that I went through a horrible (emotionally speaking) divorce, and I eventually moved back into my parents' house...(remember my ex-boss owes me seversal thous. dollars, too, and my ex-husband was in arrears five thous, (at THAT time). Also, in the middle of all of this. I ended up w/ a pilodonial cyst...two of them right on top of one another...look it up, very painful, had to have surgery...w/ no ins. Because I quit my really good job that I had ins. at, to work for an atty. for whom I had worked in the past, I ended up w/ no ins. I had intended to get my own policy, but because I had nasal polyp removal an ongoing allergy issues, I ws denied ins....wasn't expecting that!

                            I may check into that sliding feel scale for a therapist. I didn't realize they even did that. Thanks for the suggestion. I didn't realize that my relationship w/ my parents was so abnormal, quite frankly. I have always felt so much pressure....
                            sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                            BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by ginseng View Post
                              I can so relate to this!

                              When a parent keeps you off-balance, it's probably due to THEIR insecurites and fear of abandonment.

                              They really have a different reality and do not see their children as individuals, but extensions of themselves.

                              I feel like I have a Masters degree in narcissism .

                              My Father has probably dis-owned me. But Scripture says if my mother and father forsake me, God will provide.

                              I am so proud of everyone on this thread for standing for the Truth, in the face of severe abuse.
                              We are not alone!

                              gin
                              Good point, and it's one that never even crossed my mind. You are right, they see me as extensions of themselves, not as an individual.
                              sigpic“My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (John 6:40)


                              BTW, my son is a junior in high school!

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                [QUOTE=Sydney Spider;2234785]I came across this website one day which helped me to understand her problem more clearly....I wish I had read something like this while I was dealing with it. http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/[/Q]

                                This website was a direct answer to prayer for me. My mother is a malignant narcissist, and I have always been the scapegoat child. (all of this explained on the website). The Lord led me to this site, and it has truly set me free; if you ever need to talk, please PM me. I, too, have walked many years in your shoes.

                                Comment

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